How to deal with anger
The closer people are to each other, the more likely there is to be times of conflict and possibly anger. Anger can be good when it stands up for what is right and protects the vulnerable and the innocent. We can even be angry when we feel that we’re being victimised, and our expression of anger can help to protect us from the person who is abusing us.
Hot anger
Anger can be a problem when it’s an expression of our own selfishness, and it’s in response to our own needs not being met. When we display anger loudly, with shouts and noise, banging and even threatening others, we alienate them.
Cold anger
But there is another kind of anger: an anger that’s cold and quiet. It is an anger that is silent and suppressed, that hurts us inside and leads to resentment and bitterness. It is often hard to see where this anger is, but can eat us away inside, leaving us emotionally empty like a hollow tree.
Anger is inevitable
Feelings of anger are inevitable. At some time in our life most of us are going to feel angry. How can we cope with our anger in a way that won’t hurt the people around us, especially those we care for in our own families?
Admit how you are feeling
Firstly, we can admit that we feel angry. Just by saying, ‘I feel really angry right now,’ can help you to control some of the anger because it gives you a few moments to take some deep breaths and begin to feel calmer. Those around you also need to accept your admission of anger, not as a weakness, but as simply as if you were saying that you were thirsty, or tired. Say very simply, ‘In the situation when ... (describe the situation as if you were an onlooker), I feel angry, and I think I feel this way because ... I think it would help me if you could ....’
Respect those who admit they feel angry
We need to respect those who are able to admit they are angry, and we need to avoid attacking, blaming or making them feel guilty or bad for having the feeling of anger.
Teach others how to handle you when you feel angry
Talk about how you deal with your anger at a time when you are not angry. Let each of you tell the other person how you could best be helped when you are feeling angry. One person may just need the space to walk away from the situation until they feel calmer. Another person may like to go outside and chop wood, or do some other physical work or exercise to help use up their emotional energy in a useful way, rather than being angry with those they love.
Discover the feelings hiding under the anger
When someone’s angry it’s important to find out what’s really behind the anger. Take the time to think about the different layers of emotion underneath the anger, such as fear, hurt, frustration, a sense of threat, rejection, disappointment, anxiety, loneliness, jealousy, helplessness, or being misunderstood or feeling victimized. When the underlying emotion is dealt with, the anger may dissolve too.
Take time to listen to the other side of the story
Sometimes when we’re angry we need to listen to the other person’s story first. Then we might discover that we need to be caring, helpful, or gentle instead.
Find ways to express your feelings positively
Be willing to share feelings. Make a list of words or pictures that describe different emotions and use them to help you express whatever it is you are experiencing.
Encourage positive feelings in others
When people feel good about themselves, they are less likely to be prone to anger and to see situations as a threat.
Thinking about Anger
• What happens when there is a time of anger?
• What happens before you get angry and what happens afterwards?
• Does each angry time follow a similar pattern?
• Are there some times when you don’t get angry?
• What makes the difference?
• Can you learn how to prevent anger at other times, by noticing what happens when you don’t get angry?
• What would you like others to do to help you cope better when you feel angry?
• What differences could you make in your lifestyle and thinking so that you don’t feel so angry?
Living with the boss!
Mary noticed that she only got angry at home. When she was at work with her boss, she wouldn’t get angry about irritating and disappointing things. She would try to make a joke about it, or be calm about the situation. She decided to imagine that her boss lived in her house and then she didn’t get so angry with her own family.
Keeping the family safe
Ted used to get angry with his family for not meeting his needs, until he realized that he was there to try and meet their needs, too. He needed to protect his family from angry men, and that included him!
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1, NIV.
Karen and Bernie Holford (For more information on this topic go to www.angermgmt.com)
WinWellness - Conflict Resolution How to Deal with Anger
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